Oblong

by Doug Hawley

All of the following news articles appeared in the Daily Northwest News.

March 15, 2044 Copenhagen, Denmark. A little over a year ago, S waves were discovered at the Denmark National Physics Laboratory by Magnus Albreck. Originally they were only detected in humans, leading some to claim that they were a physical manifestation of soul. We just received news that weak S waves have been discovered in chimps.

The same panel that discussed the original discovery has been reconvened to discuss this revelation.

Daytona Brown: As we indicated during the panel of March 5, 2043 which I led, we are now having the follow-up discussion of S waves. The timing is great because of the news that S waves have been found in chimps.

We have a panel with some of the original members and some new ones. Unfortunately, Chester Ogilvie, leader of Baptist USA, died recently, and abortion supporter Sue Feldman is unavailable, but we have Jason Evans of the Los Angeles Universalist Church and Mary Proctor from Planned Parenthood to replace them. Biologist and atheist Roger Sawkins, Magnus Albreck, the discoverer of the S Waves, and Jeremy Atkins from PETA are back from last year’s panel.

Brown – Opening statements?

Evans – I don’t know how Mr. Ogilvie would have felt about these results. Maybe that there are many mansions in the Lord’s heaven? Chimp mansions and human mansions? I don’t think that these waves necessarily represent soul, but I’m keeping an open mind.

Sawkins – No matter how many animals or objects give off S waves, I don’t believe in God or heaven. However, finding another source of S waves is intriguing.

Proctor – This has no effect on me. We don’t get much call for chimp abortions.

Atkins – I think that we have more evidence that higher apes are our brothers and sisters and should be treated with respect equal to humans. In fact, that respect should be accorded to all non-human animals.

Albreck – I was amazed at the discovery of S waves in humans. Now that they exist in at least some animals, I wonder what will find tomorrow.

Brown – In what way do these later results affect your thinking?

Sawkins – Before, when S waves were only found in humans, I believed that there was a qualitative difference between humans and animals. Now I have to question that. What will we find with more sensitive machines?

Evans – We Universalists are divided about a supreme being. If we can identify S waves as representing the soul, I believe that will tip the debate.

Proctor – Until S waves are confirmed to exist in fetuses, I think that the majority of the US will still favor allowing abortions as now permitted by the law. If S waves are found in the fetus, we have a whole new ballgame.

Atkins – It doesn’t change my thinking at all; it confirms what I thought all along.

Albreck – It makes we want to see if we can refine our EMW machinery to find any S waves anywhere else , perhaps with lower amplitude than those presently detectable.

Brown – Closing statements?

Proctor – Regardless of whom or what has S waves, let’s use science and education to keep abortions safe and rare.

Evans – Whether or not you believe in God, any person or animal with S waves is special.

Atkins – I concur with Mr. Evans.

Albreck – I’ll be back in the lab. I’m elated to be living in these times with the progress we are making.

Sawkins – I hope that Dr. Albreck will collaborate with my fellow biologists to see what the implication of S waves is in the animals that have them.

– Doug Hawley is a former actuary (extuary) who writes, snowshoes, volunteers and hikes. Formerly was a volunteer wheel chair jockey (pusher, roll model, unpaid escort) at a hospital and now is a volunteer book seller in support of his local library and a killer of invasive species at his local park. He lives with editor and musician Sharon. He currently resides in Lake Oswego OR and has lived in Manhattan (KS that is), Atlanta, Louisville, Denver, LA and marvy Marin CA.